Warning; I am not a
great writer, and this will not be a fluid blog post. It will maybe like an open stream of consciousness. (some lit term I picked up in college-hope it applies)
Right now, I should be typing up the reading notes for the
next Section and responding to Science Fair topics, but I needed a break.
This year enters my fourth year of teaching. It is hard to believe that the people that are
graduating this year from my college, I have never met. This year is also my 10 year anniversary of
graduating from high school. It has been
a long road.
And right now I am at a wall. These past two weeks have been very
hard. It is a struggle to get out of bed
and go to school. I don’t want to
go. I want to stay at home and cry and
sleep. That is my desire first thing
when I get up. The thing that gets me
out of the door is the even bigger desire to not write sub plans (you mean my
students just can’t sit in the classroom and do nothing?)
This year has been very hard mentally and physically. When I was in the states over Christmas, I
was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety.
This year has been filled with very high emotions and brokenness. There are days when I feel like my brain has
short-circuited and just doesn’t work. I
am so easily overwhelmed that tears welcome my face. I really feel for my husband. His wife almost reverts back to the emotional
state of a toddler and can barely form sentences through her tears. It is not pretty.
Especially this week.
I think before this I had been doing okay. We have definitely had peaks and
valleys. Days are good and then they are
not so good. Somedays I laugh, most days
I cry. It is when I have a string of bad
days, like the last two weeks-that I start to feel even more down.
This weekend was stressful.
Field trip and wedding on Friday.
Baking cookies for a school function that you are also working at on
Saturday. Catching up on work on Sunday
(since there was no time last week). It was on Saturday night after a school
function, I found myself crying hysterically in my husband’s office, completely
overwhelmed with life. The thing is this
is not the first time I have had a full breakdown. It has become so common that my husband knows
exactly what to do when it happens-it has become routine.
Monday I was a mediocre teacher. I had my lessons prepared but there was no
heart in them. I get to teach my two
favorite topics-science and math. Right
now, we are even talking about chemistry-the perfect combination of math and
science. Normally, I get so excited to
teach the students, but not these last two weeks. There is a cloud that is just hanging over
me. To add insult to injury, I found a
piece of paper that had affirmations and characteristics that other people had
written about me. They say the words
bubbly, joyful, and happy. These are not
the words I would use to describe my current situation.
Spring Break was 2 weeks ago! I had a break. I worked yes, but I also had days of relaxing-kind
of. I don’t know if you view filing
taxes and booking and cancelling flights as relaxing days…haha. Part of me doesn’t want to adult right
now. I want to have my mother pat me on
the head and give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay and I
should just go back to bed.
There is so much I desire to do with my life outside of
teaching. How do you not have a million
things to do right now? I work around 12
hours a day, However, right now I also
feel slightly lost with my life. There
is a sort of hopelessness that just hangs around my head. I do not know when I will get to rest. I do not know when I will feel better. I do not know if the end is in sight. I do not know if my burdens will
decrease. I do not know if my health
will improve.
I want to write music.
I want to blog more. I want to
Skype more. I want to invest in
relationships and be invested in. Right
now, I feel very dry. There are changes
I want to make in my life. I want to
walk more. I want to eat better. I know that those will make impactful changes
on my life. However, in order to do this
I need time. I don’t have time. Meanwhile, my weight has gotten out of
control, as I have been seeking comfort in food when stressed and tired.
I get why teachers leave the profession after 5 years. It is a job that requires you to be
selfless. It is a job where you give a
lot of your energy, time, emotions, health to.
Especially if this job is your vocation like mine. This is not just a job to pay the bills. I am a teacher because I want to help
children, sometimes more than children want to help themselves (a current
frustration).
I don’t know if this blog post is a cry for help, but it
definitely is a cry for prayer. I feel
like I try and write blogs that hide pain or anxiety that I am feeling in my
life, but in full transparency, I am not doing okay right now. Please pray for me.
During my last big freak out, I had Miguel read Psalm
18. I suggest you read the whole Psalm,
it is a little bit long to copy and paste, but here are some verses:
To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless
you show yourself blameless,
26 to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the devious
you show yourself shrewd.
27 You save the humble
but bring low
those whose eyes are haughty.
28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my
darkness into light.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop[e];
with my God I can
scale a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect:
The Lord’s word is
flawless;
he shields all who
take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the
Rock except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way
secure.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to
stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a
bow of bronze.
35 You make your saving help my shield,
and your right
hand sustains me;
your help has made
me great.
36 You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles
do not give way.
When my life is surrounded by all of this fog. It is my prayer that I do not lose hope in
God. That He is the light that pierces
my darkness. This is what has kept me
going.
