I Really Take Music for Granted Sometimes

I was sitting in my living room playing guitar and singing praise songs when a thought hit me. “I have been taking this time and this ability for granted.”  When I play guitar, I usually don’t spend time reflecting on the hours I spent in my dorm room trying to figure out how to bend my fingers in ways they had never been bent before, trying to get that muscle memory ingrained in my hands.  I don’t reflect on the calluses that built up on my fingertips from repeated tab and chord practice when I played so long that it hurt a lot to continue pressing against the frets.

I don’t often think back about the time I spent in the practice rooms at college working on becoming proficient at playing chords on the piano.  Not only learning how to play them in a non “carnival” music like way (still working on that), but to also sing at the same time while playing the chords for the praise team I was on. 

And when I sing, I often don’t think back on the hours of time I spent in choir and in voice lessons in college working on my voice.  How after my 1 hour voice lessons, I would be as tired as I would be if I had ran 2 miles around the school.  How, like an athlete, I repeatedly warmed up my voice and ate a diet that would complement my voice while repeated eating vitamin C tablets and drinking my weight in water and throat coat tea to help restore my voice when it was sick and tired. 

It has all become muscle memory.  My face automatically lifting when I sing high and flip to the next register.  The placement my mouth should have when I sing the word “you.” The breathing from my diaphragm when I go for long breathing passages.  And while I would say that I am not an expert at piano and guitar AT ALL, there has been some work put in in the past to get where I am today.   

When people see me play and sing, they don’t see the hours of my past practicing.  They just see the end result.  I have had people come up to me and say, “It just comes so easily to you.”  While I don’t know if I learned guitar and piano basics faster than anyone, a lot of people were not there in the practice rooms and there in my dorm room.  It took time and effort.

I am very thankful for my parents for the instruments that have helped me acquire.  When I was a kid, my parents put me in piano lessons with my siblings.  Even though I was only in lessons for a couple of years, I was able to pick up the basics.  This helped me so much with theory, chord structure and note names.  It also helped me to start writing my own songs.  Even today when I have to transpose keys, I sometimes write an octave worth of a keyboard on the paper and it helps me visualize where the notes need to go.  My parents also let me do percussion in band.  This helped me so much develop a sense of rhythm and how to read different notes.  Finally, my parents helped me get my first guitar.  After my request for a drum set had gotten repeatedly rejected, I turned my sights into getting a guitar.  I remember one winter day before I was going to head back to college from break, my parents said, “Anne, we were thinking that we would look at guitars today, just to see.”  I was completely taken back, by this request, but we went to Guitar Center.  THAT DAY, a gently used guitar had been dropped off and was available for a really good price.  My parents let me get it, and soon I had a new instrument to try and learn.

Playing music for me has always been a joy and at one point I thought it would be a career.  Now, it is a hobby and a tool that God has given me to help others worship.  Being able to be actively involved in worship is something that is not a burden or stressful.  It is when I am singing praises to God that I feel the most free.  

How thankful I am that God gave me this gift.  He gave me the perseverance while I was learning the instruments I play so I could serve him with my voice and gift.  I get to be involved actively in worship at least twice a week, with an additional time every month for our faculty worship.  And while my main job doesn't actually involve music, maybe one day I will have one that will.  Either way, I am very thankful that God has kept this with me. 

What I lose sight of some time however, is the time when I play that it is just God and me in the room.  I think I need more of that time.  When I communicate my thanks to God by using his gift, and we have a close time of communion.  I think I need more of that in my life.  I know I need more of that in my life.  I need to thank him more for the journey and not just take the end result for granted.  I suggest you do the same.  Think of the gifts that God has blessed you with that you do without even thinking.  Reflect on the time you spent working on this skill to where you got it today and thank God for it.

That’s all I got.

Being in a Biracial Crosscultural Marriage

We couldn’t be more different on paper. 

My husband grew up in South America.

I grew up in North America.

My husband is from the country.

I lived in a mid-small sized city.

My husband has mainly African and Native American ancestry.

My ancestors are from Europe.

My husband grew up in a family of 13.  He was the baby of the family (4 brothers, 6 sisters)

I grew up in a family of 5.  I am also the baby of the family (1 brother, 1 sister)

My husband did not have a traditional bed with a frame or a bedroom until he was 13.

I shared a room with my sister until I was 18.  We both had our own beds.  (except for the one time we decided to have a big bed and share it…until I broke it.)

My husband had a monkey for a pet.

My parents let me feed a stray cat for a little bit.

My husband did not have an indoor toilet until he was 8.

My house had 2.5 bathrooms-each with a toilet.

My husband didn’t see snow until he was 27.  However, the rain was so intense you could take a shower outside.

I grew up surrounded by the rain of spring, the heat of summer, the beauty of fall, and the cold of winter.

My husband has a six pack.

I am a plus-sized woman.

My husband drives on the left side of the road.

I drive on the right side of the road.

My husband had a divided home.

My parents have been married for 34 years.

My husband could not afford to further his education.

College was an expectation more than a privilege.  (But I am very thankful for my degree and my parents who helped pay for it)

My husband is trilingual.

I speak a little Spanish and Dutch, but it is nowhere near perfect and nowhere near fluent.

My husband used to breakdance.

I was in color guard in school.

My husband takes 3 showers a day.

I take one shower....most days.

This list could go on and on.  But despite being so different, here is some of what we have in common. 

We both love volleyball.

We both grew up playing soccer.

We both are huge nerds.

We both like board games.

We both can make the other laugh.

We both like music and can play the guitar.

Most importantly, we both love Christ.  We pray together and sing worship songs together.  We support each other through times of struggle and celebrate during times of joy.  We share a last name.  We share a family, and we have become one despite all differences. 

Sometimes our different cultures cause conflict.  You do not realize how much your culture and your background defines your actions, thoughts, values, priorities, and so much more until you are put together for a long time with someone who is not the same. 

My husband is my other half.  While I don’t believe in the idea of soulmates, I trust that God knew who my husband would be.  I didn’t write this post for pity for my husband or to emphasize my privilege growing up.  I wrote it because I think it is important to show God’s plan and how it is beyond what we visualize as humans.  Miguel and I never could have expected beyond our wildest imaginations that we would be each other’s spouse.  We often talk about what would have happened if we would have grown up in the same country.  Would our experiences have been drastically different?  Would we sit together at lunch?  Would we play in the same sandbox?

I love looking at our family pictures.  They are so different, but each one of them is filled with life.  I love the family that I received when I married my husband, and he loves the family he got when he married me.  

I love you, boo boo.

The Art Teacher Made My Dream Come True (Ik ben een echte princes!)

It is Sunday, two days after our school’s Spring Concert.   I awoke Saturday morning with a pretty aggravating headache that basically sidelined me the whole day, which unfortunately meant that I was not able to be productive at work.  However, while my body is filled with fatigue, and my head is filled with pain, my thoughts go back to joy as I think of this past Friday night.

Last Friday, I was a princess, my favorite princess, Belle. 

Isn’t my dress the most beautiful thing?  It was made by our school’s art teacher.  This man has talents in the arts that I have never seen before.  He is extremely gifted!  Look, he even transformed my husband into a prince.

  

Last Friday was a dream come true.  Belle is by far my favorite Disney princess.  I think her songs are the best and I love to sing them.  She is also the princess that loves to read and was also one of the first princesses to be smart, intelligent, cunning, and able to see past appearances.  While the beast in the movie saves her, she also does her part to save him.  I would think that after the movie ended, that Belle would be a librarian or a teacher. 

I have always wanted to be a princess, but I am something that all Disney princess are not.  I am a tall and plus-sized woman.   In my past experience with musicals and even duets these two things proved to be obstacles in my path.  No one wants the princess or the main female lead to be the same height or taller than her male counterpart.  I remember in college I wished to sing a duet with one of my closer guy friends.  When I talked to my vocal teacher about this, she told me that it wouldn’t work because it would look too weird, and we looked like we would never belong together (He was a lot shorter and thinner).  This is the same vocal teacher that asked another student if I was sick from eating too much when I was unable to make it to one of her classes.  As I have expressed in previous posts, I have a condition called PCOS that makes it really hard to lose weight, and very easy to gain.  I know that my food choices are not always the best, but I am working on it and am working out exercising more.  Right now I been in the process of me coming to the realization while that I may never be stick thin, I can be beautiful.  I also am working on a healthier relationship with food.  In the past, in order to keep myself from gaining weight, I would try to limit my daily in take to a Lean Cuisine, apple, and a granola bar just to maintain my current weight. 

On Friday, a man decided to go against all of society norms and told me that I could be a princess.  He made me a dress fit for one and never once told me that I was too big or too tall.  Since I have known this man, he knows that I love Belle, and has never once dissuaded me from embodying her on dress-up days and has even let me be her twice for concerts.  I cannot explain, and I don’t think my art teacher knows just how much that meant to me. 

What was also interesting was that no one told me that I couldn’t be Belle.  I live in a country where there is no sugar coating.  If you are overweight, they will tell you.  No one told me that I looked weird as a princess.  Everyone told me that I looked beautiful.  Children came up after the concert to take a picture with Miguel and I.  No one questioned it.  I was Belle and I was a princess. 

My husband told me he fell in love with me all over again that night.  I love it.  I love this dress, and I love what it stands for.  If it were possible, I would teach in this dress.  Just picture that while I am trying to do science labs. 

Let’s question this American standard of beauty, guys.  Why can’t the leading woman be heavier, than the male lead?  Why can’t they be taller?  I can really only think of one leading lady that is heavier in musicals, and even she is typically very short in size (Tracy Turnblad).  LET’S CHANGE SOCIAL NORMS OF BEAUTY PEOPLE! 

That’s it.  That’s all I got.  After the clock struck midnight, I was a princess no longer, and just a normal middle school science and math teacher.  

But even Cinderella was left with memories of her evening of dancing with her prince 😊

(Yes, I know I switched Disney movies to make a point….but just go with it.)

The Biggest Lie I Ever Believe

“The only one that can truly handle you enough to love you is Jesus.”

I think one of the easiest reasons that I can believe this lie is because it is so similar to the truth.  The truth is that the most love ever experienced is the love of Christ; but it is not the only one I have received in my life.  This lie has been with me for 20 years, coming and going.  Lately, it has been lingering more and more, so I decided to talk about it. 

This lie first took root in adolescence.  As a child, I was very hyperactive.  Loud outbursts were very typical.  One of the side effects of having ADHD, was that my presence was known when I was in a room; first as an entertaining way, but then it developed into Anne being annoying.  My parents insisted on medicating me to help monitor my focus and hyperactivity.  I am not saying that this was the wrong choice for them, but I found myself getting angry at medication.  It seemed to me that my family liked medicated Anne a lot more than nonmedicated Anne.  That Anne was annoying and a nuisance.  As an adult, I understand that my hyperness needed to be pacified, while as a child I can remember feeling that the actual person that I was and how I was created was not appreciated unless I had taken a drug.  That medicine was how my family would like me.  I wouldn’t be liked without it.  (While I know this is not true-remember, I am talking about lies that I have believed).        

This lie spread to my friendships as well.   My amount of energy caused me to be a spark in the friendship that soon faded.  I felt that I was just too much for my friends.  My energy was overpowering and I just needed to calm down.  Sometimes the problems in the friendship occurred when a friend accused me of taking the center spotlight from everyone else.  I made every hangout the “Anne show” and that I was very selfish.  While this was not my genuine intent, self-reflection shows that I did steal attention from other people and I can see how that might hurt them.  I got the belief that to others I was a firework.  Something that you don’t mind looking at once in a while, but if you have to listen to that loud firework noise every day, it might start to get a little old and annoying.  No one wants to see fireworks every day-not really. 

I truly think that one of the reasons why my relationships with friends and family have improved is that I moved out of the country.  One of the lies that I believe that offshoots from the central lie is that I am best loved at a distance.  If I am in your area for too long, the love will fade.  Your flaws outshine the positives.

This lie has been weeding itself into my conscience a lot with my marriage.  It was different with my family.  On some level, due to their blood relation, I felt that they did not make the choice to be with me.  We were related and shared DNA, we had something in common-we were together since birth.  With my husband, he made the choice to be with me, a very different person from him.  He made a promise to love and protect me.  He said he wanted to be with me until death. 

The lie tells me that when we fight, he is regretting his choice.  It tells me, “Anne, you are so difficult to be with that even someone who promised he would be with you, doesn’t want to be with you anymore.   He has grown tired of you, his love has ran out.”

I have been feeling this lie more recently lately.  It comes creeping into my consciousness.  “Anne, you are incapable of being loved by anyone other your Savior.  Eventually, people will grow tired of your strong emotions and energy and want to leave.  God is the only one who can handle you.  You are too much for everyone else.”

Even typing those words make me want to cry. My belief that I am best loved at a distance can’t work in a marriage.  My husband and I are not going to be at a distance with each other.  This means I have to face these lies with this particular relationship, I can’t run.  This has been really painful.  Had it been any other relationship, I think I would have moved away by now, probably to not be a nuisance to the other person, and protect me from being hurt.   

I think what I need to understand is just because a person is temporarily annoyed by me, doesn’t me they don’t love me.   In the past, I put up walls to protect myself from getting hurt and protect others from hurting me.  I believed that others didn’t love me, or if they did, their love would eventually fade.  It’s hard to think of how many relationships have maybe been affected by this.

So I am making a list of those who love me.  These people will combat the lie.  These people are my truth.  These are the people that God has placed in my life.  I am not a nuisance to these people.  I am keeping this list in a special place, so that when this lie enters my head I can pray over it-thanking God for these people, and shunning the lie.

God’s love is great.  It is the greatest thing I have ever experienced and ever will experience.  Because God loves me, he has placed people who love me around me.  Sometimes people will think that I am being annoying, and that is okay and I should respect that.  This fact doesn’t mean that they are not loving me.  The lie is a lie.  I praise the One who is the Truth.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know of Your great love.  This love gave Your Son to mankind that we may one day have eternal life.  What a wondrous and marvelous love!  Lord, help me cling to this truth and this truth alone.  I ask that you be with my thoughts, that all thoughts of this lie are banished from my mind.  Help me with perseverance in pursuing the truth and strength to love in conflict.  Help those around me when I am too much, Lord.  Thank you for every person you have placed in my life.  Thank you for my husband.  I ask that you continually give him patience.  Thank you for the individuals that you have placed in my life.

Amen