From Critical to Captivating

All quotations are from Stasi Eldredge

A student asked me if I was pregnant today.  This is one of several times one of the students has made a comment about my weight here, and I am sure it won’t be the last.  In the past, these comments destroyed me.  I would think about skipping meals, or running myself into the ground.  The comment would basically define my day, if not week. 

“Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us – whether from a driven culture or a driven church – is try harder.”

I use to look in the mirror and only see a monster.  I thought I was hideous, a waste of space, time, and energy.  I saw no beauty or worth in myself.  I would cry many times I went clothing shopping because of a constant need to compare myself to my slender sister, and an inability for clothing stores to manufacture clothes that would fit my boobs, belly, and thighs.  Everything about me was wrong and a mistake.  It consumed a part of my life.

“Nothing is out of reach for Jesus.”

Over the past year, my thoughts have changed drastically.  It is my hope that you don’t see that girl anymore.  A lot of my stress, worries, and overall problems came from the negativity looming over my head like a cloud.  My lack of self-esteem and confidence affected my relationships with boyfriends, friends, and family.  I would take my insecurities out on food, eating large amounts of food, and then immediately regretting it.  I would get very angry and disappointed at myself and feel like a colossal failure. 

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.”

While I am certainly not my biggest, I am also not the smallest I have ever been.  I am right now pretty much in the middle.  I do know though, that I have been focusing more on my lifestyle choices.  I am firmly confident that I will not be able to give up pizza for the rest of my life, nor do I feel like should have to.  I also know however, that I need to exercise pretty consistently if I just want to feel all around better.  I really enjoy running (never thought I would say that), playing sports, and dancing.  My main focus is being happy, and avoiding the things that bring down my confidence.

 “A woman is a warrior too. But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way. Sometime before the sorrows of life did their best to kill it in us, most young women wanted to be a part of something grand, something important.”

For me, competition sometimes brings comparison.  I tended to be my unhappiest when I was comparing.  When you embrace the person that God has made you, and recognize that you are beautifully and wonderfully made, than you can push the negatives aside.  Know that comparing is always a losing battle.  Since we are all uniquely made for a unique purpose with a unique set of gifts, it is impossible to completely match yourself up with another individual and see if you are better.  That is not how we were created!  Also, I am guaranteed to mess up in life, due to the fact that I am a sinner.  However, I am still loved unconditionally by God

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“We can be satisfied. We are loved, wanted, seen, delighted in, provided for, cherished, chosen, known, and planned on. We are set apart, believed in, invited, valued, of immeasurable worth, and blessed.”

I did not write this entry for pity or sympathy.  I wrote it for a renewal of strength.  Part of me also feels that my thoughts and insecurities are also shared by others.  If they are, know that I am praying for you!  You are loving, captivating, woman of worth!  Be proud of who you are, and who made you!