Monday, July 25, 2016

Low Confidence up the Wazoo, Should a person with ADHD be planning a wedding, and the Start of Year 4!

Hello all,
Today is my last full day in America as a Heien.  When I come back I will be a Bolwerk!  In less than two weeks I was will be getting married and starting a new job as a middle school teacher at the school that I have worked at for the last three years.  Before that though, I have a wedding.

And I am keeping the tradition alive of a blog post before I leave for the airport.  I have for the most part finished packing and will be leaving for the airport in 2 hours and 15 minutes!

That being said, planning a wedding has been a struggle.  First, planning a wedding involves organization.  I have always known that I did not have a strength in organization and that it would be something that I have to work really really hard to accomplish.  Just look at my teacher’s desk or bedroom and you will see some flaws in the organization.  Second, I am a people pleaser.  People have told me this before, and I can see during this part of my life that it is a very true statement.  I just want to make people happy on my wedding.  I want no fighting and great times.  Also, if I could, I would invite many more people, however with limited space, I am not able to invite everyone that I have ever met in Suriname-phooey.  Third, I am trying my best to mix both the Surinamese culture with the American culture in a way that no one will find offensive (people pleaser, remember).  The harsh reality is that right now, I am failing and I know that.  It is very humbling, and the whole concept of planning a wedding has lowered my confidence as an adult and a competent planner.  I find myself comparing what I do to others, asking myself if I am doing this the right way. 

Well, thankfully, I have found out-after my friend Molly told me, that there is more than one right way to do things sometimes.  We might now always see that because someone else’s right way may not be our right way, which can then be construed to thinking that their way is wrong.  It is the same with weddings!  My wedding may not be the same as your wedding or your friend’s wedding, but that doesn’t mean it is a wrong wedding!!!  Heading into this great day in my life with low confidence and doubt in myself is not healthy; because that will pool into my marriage.  I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman and that is a goal I strive for, however, I should also reflect and enjoy the person that I am that God has made.  Miguel, my fiancé, loves this person and does not want to marry anyone else but pure Anne.  He doesn’t love Anne pretending to be someone else, or Anne who is comparing herself to someone else. 

Also, my wedding has really come together this past month.  While I was in the United States I was able to get a dress, wedding details, and some things for our apartment.  Miguel has helped set up our home, gotten other wedding details done, and gotten his suit from the tailor.  I also received a lot of generous gifts from family and friends who are not able to be present at our wedding, but will be present in spirit!  One of the great things that happened this three weeks was a surprise bridal shower thrown by my high school friends.  Some of the friends I had not seen in years!  It was a great gathering and a great party filled with friends who also accepted Anne the way she was (very weird, quirky, and hyperactive) in high school. 

So, I am heading back to Suriname!  Year 4!  A lot of changes, a lot of transitions, a lot of unanswered questions.  But instead of doubt, I will lean on the one certainty I have in my life, the one constant, and the one I put my trust-Jesus Christ!  I look forward to seeing old coworkers and new, to opening up new subject books, and learning!


Prayers for my family who are traveling down to Suriname in a week!  And they told me they would never come J.  

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Baggage. (Skit included!)

This post has been a long one in the making.  It will center around a chapel that I did this year for High School and Middle School Chapel on the topic of Baggage/Life as a Journey.  For this particular chapel, I wanted to do something different than just talk at the children.  So, I wrote a skit that I could perform with another teacher at Chapel to better show the message of casting our cares on Jesus and walking purely with Him.  My fellow acting teacher told me that I should post my skit on the internet to share with everyone-so that is what I am doing.  I say that it is my skit, but in reality, a lot of the words come straight from the Bible and most of the credit goes to God, because I finished writing this skit at 3:00 in the morning (not the best time for intense thinking).  

This was a chapel I gave months ago, but I can tell you that some of the emotion has certainly come back as I am revising the skit and thinking about the words that God had given me.  This topic hit me hard, because it is something that I struggle with.  I often find myself giving into distractions and adding baggage to my life that is not necessary and that by doing so I am turning away from my pure focus on God.  It is something that I need to work on more than just daily, that I take time out to communicate with God my needs and concerns and put my sins and weight on that cross.  

So without further ado-baggage chapel.  

I started chapel by talking about the concept that we are all walking on this journey.  We start when we are young and continue walking through life until we are old or until we die.  However, while we are walking on this journey, we tend to start picking up baggage.  Some of this may seem harmless.  However, after a while, the baggage can really start to drag us down and make the journey much harder.  

I then showed everyone my backpack filled with things.  It was very heavy.  I explained that this was a backpack that I have been carrying as I have been walking down the journey of life.  Then, I took the time, using my backpack and my PowerPoint, to go through the objects in my backpack and how they contribute to my baggage.  Some things that I used in my backpack was a scale (students were impressed that a big scale was in my backpack), candy, a volleyball, the word "stress," money, my iPod (I don't own a smartphone), etc...things that distracted me from God and can potentially cause baggage to accumulate in my life. 

Quick side note:  During college, I pushed myself way too hard with stress.  I didn't give myself the chance to rest and be still at all and as I result I developed arm tremors that would be triggered by stress.  I don't get them nearly as frequently and as bad as I used too, but while I was talking about the items that were weighing me down, my arm totally started shaking.  It was once again a reality check to how much weight and individual can put on themselves and how much freedom God gives!

After I had explained all of the objects and put them back into the backpack, I talked about how it feels to have to carry this heavy burden around as I keep walking and how it has overwhelmed me and effected my emotional, physical, mental, and social health.  I then put the backpack on my back and looked very defeated.  At this time "I" is going to turn into Person 1.  This skit has only two people in it and Person 1's gender doesn't matter, but Person 2 should be male.  Also, during this skit I showed slides of the Bible verses referenced by Person 2 as he spoke them.

Person 1:  I am just so tired, I don’t know how I can go on by myself.  I need help! Help!  (call out)
Person 2:  (appearing from the side of the room carrying a backpack that is similar to Person 1) Hey, person’s name.  You called?
Person 1:  Um yeah.  You heard me?
Person 2:  You asked for help.  I was here.
Person 1:  Well, I guess I am thankful you were close enough to come help.
Person 2:   I was beside you this whole time.
Person 1:  Walking here, right beside me?
Person 2:  (Nods)
Person 1:  How come I didn’t notice?
Person 2:  You’ve been a bit distracted (gesture to Person 1’s heavy backpack)
Person 1: Yeah, I guess as I have been walking I have picked up a lot of baggage.  It has made it a bit hard to keep on moving forward with all this weight on my back.
Person 2:  Why don’t we rest for a bit?
Person 1:  It is useless! Because I will eventually have to start moving again-towing this heavy bag along the whole time-it won’t get any better.
Person 2:  How did it get so heavy?
Person 1:  Well, I saw things on the side of the road that I thought would be helpful for my journey.  I thought I would first grab things I needed, but then I started grabbing things that I wanted, and then some things ended up in here that I didn’t want, but when I try to take them out they just won’t leave.  It’s just a really big mess, and you know, I think it is great that you came to help me, but I just don’t see how.  So I will probably just get going now-(starts to leave)
Person 2:  I’ll take it.
Person 1:  You’ll take what?
Person 2:  Your bag, your cares, all of it
Person 1:  You will?
Person 2:  I will.  Here, (extends his backpack) trade with me. 
(Person 1 and Person 2 take off bags and switch)
Person 1:  Your bag is so light!  What do you have in there?
Person 2:  Look and see.
Person 1:  (looking in backpack and pulls out a loaf of bread that is marked “Bread of Life,” water that is labeled “Living Water,” and a Bible) Bread and water and a book, that is all you need?
Person 2:  It is not just bread and water.  It is the bread of life and living water.
Person 1:  bread of life…living water….that sounds like it means something.
Person 2:  Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him or her shall never thirst; the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life. 
Person 1:  That sounds pretty great.
Person 2:  and I am the bread of life; he or she who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.”
Person 1:  And this book?  The Bible?
Person 2:  This book contains my words.  It will tell you how much I love you, My might, My strength, My wisdom, and how you should act.  This book was inspired by me and written by men who followed me, waited for me, prophesied about me, and walked with me.
Person 1:  Sounds like a lot of material.
Person 2:  This book covers the Beginning of this earth to the end of this earth. 
Person 1:  You know, I don’t like being hungry.  I keep some candy in my bag, just in case I need to munch on something later, but this bread looks very tasty and satisfying.   And I do love reading.   Your bag is so light!  I can see why you aren’t that tired.  But you probably want your bag back so… (starts to hand back the backpack)
Person 2:  We don’t have to switch back.
Person 1:  We don’t?
Person 2:  No, in fact we can keep on walking together.  I can teach you, and you can find rest.
Person 1:  That sounds really nice.  I have been feeling like I have been alone for a while now, and it would be great to have a travel partner.  (Brief Silence) Can I just get some things from my bag that you have and put them in mine in case I need them later?  I have some money for snacks later, and I got my iPod-we can jam out to some pretty sweet tunes.   Or my volleyball, we could pass back and forth-
Person 2:  I have a question.  How do you feel right now carrying my bag?
Person 1:  Light and happy and rested
Person 2:  And how did you feel carrying your bag?
Person 1:  Tired, stressed, hopeless
Person 2:  So, why would you want to put things from your old bag into your new, when this satisfies you on your own?
Person 1:  So, wait, I may need to give up everything in that bag.  That does not sound easy.
Person 2:  If you want to come after me, you must trust in me with all your heart and not on your own understanding.  I will make your path straight and clear.  I desire your full commitment, because I have plans for you.
Person 1:  Your plans?  But, what about my plans?  I was going to travel the world, win American Idol.  I got some big plans.
Person 2:  (shaking his head) In their hearts humans plan their course, but I establish their steps. 
Person 1:  So I won’t know the way?
Person 2:  I am the way-and the truth- and the life.  Walk with me.  Come with me.  Let this go (gesture to heavy backpack).  I will guide you always; I will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen you.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
Person 1:  When you explain it like that, that sounds like my life is going to be great.  I bet I will be rich, have success, have everything I want, and will be completely satisfied in this world!
Person 2:  You are looking for satisfaction in your old bag of worldly things.  The people that follow me are not of this world.  Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.  Do not be adapted to this world, but be transformed by doing my will. 
Person 1:  That doesn’t sound good-I’m slightly worried (pulls out a piece of paper that has the word “Worry” written on it from the bag she is wearing.) How did this appear?  I didn’t put it there.
Person 2:  Cast your cares on me (takes the worry sign and puts it in his backpack.) And I won’t let you fall.
Person 1:  Thank you.  So you are my satisfaction, and you are my joy, and you are my rock, and you are my leader, and I should follow you.  You have told me great things-I don’t think I should let you out of my sight!
Person 2:  Fix your eyes on me.  The author and perfecter.  For you and for all, I endured the cross, carried your weight, scorning it.
Person 1:  Okay, I think I am ready.  I just have one more question.  Why are you doing this?  Helping me?
Person 2:  Because I love you.  So much.  More than you could ever understand. 
Person 1:  (smiles and pauses) Wait-I feel bad, you knew my name, but I don’t know yours.  Could you please tell me?
Person 2:  My name is Jesus.
Person 1:  Jesus.  Alright, Jesus I think I am ready to follow you and focus on you.  Can you help me avoid distractions and things that may get me off course?
Person 2:  I can-fix your eyes on me. 
( Person 1 and Person 2 walk away)


After this skit, I used the PowerPoint to talk about the television show that was on GSN called Baggage hosted by Jerry Springer.  In this dating show, one person would get to view potential dates' baggage in increasing levels of embarrassment and shame.  In the end, both would have to decide if they were still willing to go on a date with one another despite the baggage each one had.  In my head, I can see myself on that show-revealing all of my baggage, my secrets, my shames, my failures to God, and praying that he will accept my baggage and take me.  The great thing is-the answer is yes.  Jesus will take me with my baggage because of the love He has for the world.  I don't have to be afraid or worried, I just have to cast my cares on Jesus and trust Him. 

I finished the chapel with a closing metaphor that life is not a sprint-it is a marathon.  Sprints are over right away, but marathons take a bit to finish.  They require stamina and persistence and focus.  Walking with our focus on God requires all of these things, but it is worth it because of the freedom it provides.  We need to be willing to follow God however and let Him be the focal point.  I told the students ways to give up baggage in our lives:
-admit your faults and where you went wrong-gradual process
-discipline yourself to be attentive to God's voice (avoid distractions)
-ask Him to help you!  (we aren't walking alone, remember?)
-Let God in and submit to Him!

"Be strong and of good courage.  Do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the one who goes with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you."-Deuteronomy 31:6 











Thursday, February 25, 2016

Come to Me, All you weary and heavy-laden (Health update!)

This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
-Desert Song

Healthy Anne….

My new roommates joke and say that she is this mythical creature that they have heard stories about, but never quite seen.  They are not quite sure she exists.  And even now, I am looking back on those days when I had energy to run and play sports and not have some sickness and fatigue weighing heavily on my body, and thinking-was that just a dream I had? 

I realized just how exhausted I was during Christmas break when I spend the first week and a half sick and tired.  My body knew that I had this time to rest-and it took full advantage.  I was sick all of Christmas break with fatigue and a pretty bad cold.  Since Christmas, I have still not found myself completely healthy.  This past month has been especially more frustrating on the sickness front.  I started 2016 by not feeling well, then I contracted Zika, after that I got a bacterial throat infection, then the Zika flared up again.  Recently, I have slipped and fell and may have potentially gotten a concussion-to which at this point, I had to laugh.

That’s right-when I hit my head-after groaning and praying to God that my skull wasn’t broken-I laughed.
Which no, isn’t a sign that I have officially lost it-but I think it means something else.  I think it means that a part of me is not completely weary yet-has not given up. 

And later the next day, when my fiancé had driven me to two doctors to try and get my head examined (one was on vacation, the other was no longer seeing patients for the day), and I dropped and shattered my IPod touch(my version of a smartphone) in the second doctor’s parking lot—I laughed again. 

You see, if I were superstitious person right now, I would maybe consider the need to wear shamrocks, horseshoes, and rabbit’s feet on my person in order to get some good luck in my system. 

But I am not a woman of superstition; I am a woman of faith.  I have faith in God-the ultimate healer.  So I look for wisdom through this time.

How can God’s will be done in this sickness?  How can I find ways to rejoice in God during this time of poor health?  How can I grow in my relationship with God?

If I am being honest, I have found this hard-trusting completely in God and his timing.  I have found this period of physical and mental weakness hard. Really hard. 

It has been frustrating.  At times, it has gotten hard to be in good spirits.  I find myself somedays comparing myself to others-especially those that have seemed to have it all put together and seem to have all of this time.  While I am falling apart in front of everyone.  I look at my relationships with students, roommates, coworkers, friends, fiancé, and God and feel helpless because I want to put so much more into these relationships but find myself running out of time and energy in order to be a proper roommate, teacher, coworker, friend, fiancé, and missionary sometimes.  And that really bothers me.  That my body is weak right now and I am not able to do what I want to do.  Honestly, sometimes I feel trapped.  Other times I want a break-I am just too tired and I need relief.  When I feel the light starting to brighten and my health starts to come back, I have been getting just shot down with something else. 

Yesterday, after Bible study, I had a slight breakdown in front of my fiancé.  Tears flowing in front of my house, just saying that I want a break-I want to rest, but I don’t know when that will happen.  I want to take some time off of being Anne Christine Heien.  I don’t want to let people down, and I want to be an impactful missionary and teacher, but at the same time, I fully desire rest.    My fiancé just let me speak these words out to him listening thoughtfully.  He is one person that has been a rock during these past couple of months because he has sometimes been the unfortunate recipient of some crankiness and misplaced anger and has shown incredible patience through this time.  He is great and I am so pumped that we are getting married this year.

That being said, I have come to realize things.  When you are weak-God is strong.  And his strength can be shown just as simply as the fact as I have not given up yet.   I know that every day of this school year would not have been possible without God bestowing knowledge on me, patience, and strength.  I know that if I were to truly rely on me alone, I would have had a complete breakdown weeks ago and be completely unable to function.

8"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.…-Matthew 11:28-29

Right now, my comfort is that I am not alone.  That I can pray to God for strength to get through hard times.  Furthermore, I have people in my life who are also praying for me during this time of weariness.  That my life is not just simply Anne Christine Heien-high school science teacher.  It is God’s servant and soldier, suiting up with the armor that God has given me every day to fight the evil one.  Even more so, I get to lay my burdens down at the cross instead of keeping them on my shoulders.  God accepts them willingly (I will have a post on that later)

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And God must have a lot of confidence in me.  Certainly more than I have in myself.  Because He knows what we can handle.  I didn’t think I could handle all of this.  Some days, I still don’t think I can.  God provides a means though.  Does that mean that I don’t need to rest at all?   No.  I am human-a weakened state compared to God.  And even He rested.  It is still important to me that I continue to find time to strengthen my body again and work on bettering relationships with those that I have neglected these past months.

Isaiah 40:28-31  Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,   and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;   they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  This school year has made me have no other choice but to trust in God.  There are way too many things that are out of my control for me not too.  I have good reason to trust in Him-the Creator of the heavens and earth.   I know that He is strengthening me.  Even though I am weak, there is no reason to stop praising and rejoicing and praying the name of God. I am going to find comfort and strength through Him-not through anything else.

All of my life in every season,
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
-Desert Song


God is good.  All the time.  And all the time.  God is good.