Come to Me, All you weary and heavy-laden (Health update!)

This is my prayer in the desert,

When all that’s within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

-Desert Song

Healthy Anne….

My new roommates joke and say that she is this mythical creature that they have heard stories about, but never quite seen.  They are not quite sure she exists.  And even now, I am looking back on those days when I had energy to run and play sports and not have some sickness and fatigue weighing heavily on my body, and thinking-was that just a dream I had? 

I realized just how exhausted I was during Christmas break when I spend the first week and a half sick and tired.  My body knew that I had this time to rest-and it took full advantage.  I was sick all of Christmas break with fatigue and a pretty bad cold.  Since Christmas, I have still not found myself completely healthy.  This past month has been especially more frustrating on the sickness front.  I started 2016 by not feeling well, then I contracted Zika, after that I got a bacterial throat infection, then the Zika flared up again.  Recently, I have slipped and fell and may have potentially gotten a concussion-to which at this point, I had to laugh.

That’s right-when I hit my head-after groaning and praying to God that my skull wasn’t broken-I laughed.

Which no, isn’t a sign that I have officially lost it-but I think it means something else.  I think it means that a part of me is not completely weary yet-has not given up. 

And later the next day, when my fiancé had driven me to two doctors to try and get my head examined (one was on vacation, the other was no longer seeing patients for the day), and I dropped and shattered my IPod touch(my version of a smartphone) in the second doctor’s parking lot—I laughed again. 

You see, if I were superstitious person right now, I would maybe consider the need to wear shamrocks, horseshoes, and rabbit’s feet on my person in order to get some good luck in my system. 

But I am not a woman of superstition; I am a woman of faith.  I have faith in God-the ultimate healer.  So I look for wisdom through this time.

How can God’s will be done in this sickness?  How can I find ways to rejoice in God during this time of poor health?  How can I grow in my relationship with God?

If I am being honest, I have found this hard-trusting completely in God and his timing.  I have found this period of physical and mental weakness hard. Really hard. 

It has been frustrating.  At times, it has gotten hard to be in good spirits.  I find myself somedays comparing myself to others-especially those that have seemed to have it all put together and seem to have all of this time.  While I am falling apart in front of everyone.  I look at my relationships with students, roommates, coworkers, friends, fiancé, and God and feel helpless because I want to put so much more into these relationships but find myself running out of time and energy in order to be a proper roommate, teacher, coworker, friend, fiancé, and missionary sometimes.  And that really bothers me.  That my body is weak right now and I am not able to do what I want to do.  Honestly, sometimes I feel trapped.  Other times I want a break-I am just too tired and I need relief.  When I feel the light starting to brighten and my health starts to come back, I have been getting just shot down with something else. 

Yesterday, after Bible study, I had a slight breakdown in front of my fiancé.  Tears flowing in front of my house, just saying that I want a break-I want to rest, but I don’t know when that will happen.  I want to take some time off of being Anne Christine Heien.  I don’t want to let people down, and I want to be an impactful missionary and teacher, but at the same time, I fully desire rest.    My fiancé just let me speak these words out to him listening thoughtfully.  He is one person that has been a rock during these past couple of months because he has sometimes been the unfortunate recipient of some crankiness and misplaced anger and has shown incredible patience through this time.  He is great and I am so pumped that we are getting married this year.

That being said, I have come to realize things.  When you are weak-God is strong.  And his strength can be shown just as simply as the fact as I have not given up yet.   I know that every day of this school year would not have been possible without God bestowing knowledge on me, patience, and strength.  I know that if I were to truly rely on me alone, I would have had a complete breakdown weeks ago and be completely unable to function.

8"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. 29"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.…-Matthew 11:28-29

Right now, my comfort is that I am not alone.  That I can pray to God for strength to get through hard times.  Furthermore, I have people in my life who are also praying for me during this time of weariness.  That my life is not just simply Anne Christine Heien-high school science teacher.  It is God’s servant and soldier, suiting up with the armor that God has given me every day to fight the evil one.  Even more so, I get to lay my burdens down at the cross instead of keeping them on my shoulders.  God accepts them willingly (I will have a post on that later)

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And God must have a lot of confidence in me.  Certainly more than I have in myself.  Because He knows what we can handle.  I didn’t think I could handle all of this.  Some days, I still don’t think I can.  God provides a means though.  Does that mean that I don’t need to rest at all?   No.  I am human-a weakened state compared to God.  And even He rested.  It is still important to me that I continue to find time to strengthen my body again and work on bettering relationships with those that I have neglected these past months.

Isaiah 40:28-31  Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,   and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;   they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.  This school year has made me have no other choice but to trust in God.  There are way too many things that are out of my control for me not too.  I have good reason to trust in Him-the Creator of the heavens and earth.   I know that He is strengthening me.  Even though I am weak, there is no reason to stop praising and rejoicing and praying the name of God. I am going to find comfort and strength through Him-not through anything else.

All of my life in every season,

You are still God

And I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

-Desert Song

God is good.  All the time.  And all the time.  God is good.