Returning One Unhealthy Teacher......Exiting?

With the annual tradition of the promise to blog more, I am writing a little note hours before we leave for the airport for year five of teaching at IAS.  This year I will be teaching some of the classes I taught last year (which is great), and taking on a new class, 7^th Grade Science!

This summer was a good one.  I was able to rest a little bit, work a little bit, travel a little bit, and spend time with family.  Recently, I was able to stand as a godparent for my new niece Kiera.  During this time, the pastor talked about how Kiera was reborn, how her sins were washed away and she was made new.  This is something that has stuck with me.   However, looking at the family pictures with Kiera, I could only think of the sin that was so clearly visible on my body.

I have had one sin that has just been gnawing away at me for the past couple of years.  I was able to keep it at bay, and in the past had more self-control and discipline.  It is something that I have turned to this year when I was depressed, when I was anxious,  when I was sad I had lost a friendship, when I was stressed to work, when I was angry, when I was bored.  That sin was eating.  Eating a lot.  Not just fruit or vegetables.  Eating anything.  Gluttony.

There are several Bible verses on gluttony, but the overall one that always sticks out to me (which doesn’t just apply to gluttony, but any harmful activity to the body, such as adultery, drunkenness, and recreational drug use….)

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies”-1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I think the worst sin is that I have been turning to food before turning to God for comfort and peace.  This food is a “broken cistern” or something that I am trying to drink from for refreshment, instead of living water from the Father that can quench any hunger I have. 

This problem has grown into a huge huge plank that is in my eye.  I have never been this size before, and it is really starting to affect my physical capabilities.

So it is time for a change.  And in this change, I do not have a goal to lose weight, but to find health.  I think in the past I have only focused on the numbers on the scale, which lead to very unhealthy eating habits and patterns.  Also, I have a husband who embraces his wife's natural curviness and would be very sad if all of those curves would go away.  I think my goal is going to be to be in shape, treat my body right, eat right, and be healthy.  Healthy in mind, body, and spirit.  Last year that was a fail….this year…maybe it won’t be. 

Please keep praying for me as I go on this journey.  Pray for the start of the school year.  Pray for self-control and discipline for Miguel and I as we continue to be teachers at IAS.  We will not be going home for Christmas this year, so pray that we will be refreshed from God during this long time away from the states.  I will use your prayers as support J.    Also, please keep praying for my mental health.  As some of you know, I have depression and anxiety, and I have been doing my best to work through some stuff.  While I do have a psychiatrist in Suriname, it is a prayer that I will be able to find a Christian counselor that will be willing to help counsel for me for an affordable rate J. 

I really hope to keep people updated more.  I have found that one of my triggers for depression is checking Facebook.  I have found that everyone seems to be winning at life right now, and I am falling quite behind.  I know that is not always the case, because everyone has their struggles, but I get in that mindset when I check social media.  So, I will not be on Facebook that much, but still using Messenger if you want to get in touch. 

Since, I will not be using Facebook as much, I intend to blog more.   I want to keep you updated about prayer requests and my progress in this health journey.  It will be a way to hold me accountable.  I want to embrace the knowledge, that just like Kiera, I have been born again as well!

Who knows what the year will bring?  God does!!!!!

Is this what burnout feels like?

Warning;  I am not a great writer, and this will not be a fluid blog post.  It will maybe like an open stream of consciousness. (some lit term I picked up in college-hope it applies)

Right now, I should be typing up the reading notes for the next Section and responding to Science Fair topics, but I needed a break. 

This year enters my fourth year of teaching.  It is hard to believe that the people that are graduating this year from my college, I have never met.  This year is also my 10 year anniversary of graduating from high school.  It has been a long road.  

And right now I am at a wall.  These past two weeks have been very hard.  It is a struggle to get out of bed and go to school.  I don’t want to go.  I want to stay at home and cry and sleep.  That is my desire first thing when I get up.  The thing that gets me out of the door is the even bigger desire to not write sub plans (you mean my students just can’t sit in the classroom and do nothing?)

This year has been very hard mentally and physically.  When I was in the states over Christmas, I was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety.  This year has been filled with very high emotions and brokenness.  There are days when I feel like my brain has short-circuited and just doesn’t work.  I am so easily overwhelmed that tears welcome my face.  I really feel for my husband.  His wife almost reverts back to the emotional state of a toddler and can barely form sentences through her tears.  It is not pretty. 

Especially this week.  I think before this I had been doing okay.  We have definitely had peaks and valleys.  Days are good and then they are not so good.  Somedays I laugh, most days I cry.  It is when I have a string of bad days, like the last two weeks-that I start to feel even more down. 

This weekend was stressful.  Field trip and wedding on Friday.  Baking cookies for a school function that you are also working at on Saturday.  Catching up on work on Sunday (since there was no time last week).   It was on Saturday night after a school function, I found myself crying hysterically in my husband’s office, completely overwhelmed with life.  The thing is this is not the first time I have had a full breakdown.  It has become so common that my husband knows exactly what to do when it happens-it has become routine. 

Monday I was a mediocre teacher.  I had my lessons prepared but there was no heart in them.  I get to teach my two favorite topics-science and math.  Right now, we are even talking about chemistry-the perfect combination of math and science.  Normally, I get so excited to teach the students, but not these last two weeks.  There is a cloud that is just hanging over me.  To add insult to injury, I found a piece of paper that had affirmations and characteristics that other people had written about me.  They say the words bubbly, joyful, and happy.  These are not the words I would use to describe my current situation. 

Spring Break was 2 weeks ago!  I had a break.  I worked yes, but I also had days of relaxing-kind of.  I don’t know if you view filing taxes and booking and cancelling flights as relaxing days…haha.  Part of me doesn’t want to adult right now.  I want to have my mother pat me on the head and give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay and I should just go back to bed. 

There is so much I desire to do with my life outside of teaching.  How do you not have a million things to do right now?  I work around 12 hours a day,  However, right now I also feel slightly lost with my life.  There is a sort of hopelessness that just hangs around my head.  I do not know when I will get to rest.  I do not know when I will feel better.   I do not know if the end is in sight.  I do not know if my burdens will decrease.  I do not know if my health will improve. 

I want to write music.  I want to blog more.  I want to Skype more.  I want to invest in relationships and be invested in.  Right now, I feel very dry.  There are changes I want to make in my life.  I want to walk more.  I want to eat better.  I know that those will make impactful changes on my life.  However, in order to do this I need time.  I don’t have time.  Meanwhile, my weight has gotten out of control, as I have been seeking comfort in food when stressed and tired. 

I get why teachers leave the profession after 5 years.  It is a job that requires you to be selfless.  It is a job where you give a lot of your energy, time, emotions, health to.  Especially if this job is your vocation like mine.  This is not just a job to pay the bills.  I am a teacher because I want to help children, sometimes more than children want to help themselves (a current frustration). 

I don’t know if this blog post is a cry for help, but it definitely is a cry for prayer.  I feel like I try and write blogs that hide pain or anxiety that I am feeling in my life, but in full transparency, I am not doing okay right now.  Please pray for me. 

During my last big freak out, I had Miguel read Psalm 18.  I suggest you read the whole Psalm, it is a little bit long to copy and paste, but here are some verses:

To the faithful you show yourself faithful,

    to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

26 to the pure you show yourself pure,

    but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.

27 You save the humble

    but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

28 You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;

    my God turns my darkness into light.

29 With your help I can advance against a troop[e];

    with my God I can scale a wall.

30 As for God, his way is perfect:

    The Lord’s word is flawless;

    he shields all who take refuge in him.

31 For who is God besides the Lord?

    And who is the Rock except our God?

32 It is God who arms me with strength

    and keeps my way secure.

33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;

    he causes me to stand on the heights.

34 He trains my hands for battle;

    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

35 You make your saving help my shield,

    and your right hand sustains me;

    your help has made me great.

36 You provide a broad path for my feet,

    so that my ankles do not give way.

When my life is surrounded by all of this fog.  It is my prayer that I do not lose hope in God.  That He is the light that pierces my darkness.  This is what has kept me going.  

Do I want to live for God, or do I want to live for Anne?

(Brief apology for the lack of fluidity through this post, I am getting back into the writing thing-so it may take a bit to get the flow going)

James 3:1-2

“Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.  We all stumble in many ways.  If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.”

I became an international teacher in January of 2013, when I moved to China to teach 3^rd and 4^th grade.  Before this, I had been to Europe a couple of times for band and choir in college, and had become fascinated with life outside of the United States and the adventures that traveling could bring.  This time I was going overseas for six months to live and work in a completely different atmosphere then what I had been use to.

And I was young and inexperienced.  I had never taught ESL students before; especially to the level of the students I had in China.  My six months there was rough in the classroom.  I loved my students so much.  I cried over pictures of them as I prayed that they would one day go against all odds and form a relationship with Christ.  I truly cared for my students. 

But I was a bad teacher.  Why?  As much as I loved and cared about my students, I put their education in second place compared to my adventures.  I did not spend as much time in my classroom planning and grading.  I did not lesson plan that well.  I did not establish a concrete grading book.  My English lessons were not that cohesive and my social studies were barely existent.  I could say that I did not have set curriculum and was missing teacher guides and textbooks, which I was, but that just meant I should have worked harder and more creatively to help my students grow academically.  It was here that I learned that you just can’t rely on your intellect alone if you want to be a good teacher, you need to be prepared.

But almost every weekend, I gave in to the inner struggle I had to work in my classroom and instead went on Chinese adventures.  I went to Hong Kong and Macau.  I went exploring on the subway.  I got to meet people and do crazy interesting things.  It was great.  But what wasn’t great was the feeling I would get when I would step back into the classroom unprepared to teach, but only prepared to love.  For that I am sorry.  Especially as an elementary teacher, I am sorry for any setbacks I have given that class when it comes to fundamentals of learning.  You see, this classroom was my primary ministry, not my personal craving for excitement and adventure.   I was selfish instead of selfless. 

Then I moved to Suriname.  Despite the huge amount of Chinese people living here, Suriname is not China.  All of the crazy adventures and fun that I had access to in the past were limited.  I had teacher guides, easy access to my school on the weekend, and better access to American resources; there were no excuses I could give for things that could hinder my teaching.  I also gained a new label to my role-missionary. 

I am not just a teacher.  I am a missionary and tentmaker (self-supporting.)  Just like the profession of teacher, my role does not have an end.  My job requirement is that I encompass Christ’s character in all my actions inside the school, outside the school, and outside the country, even on vacations.  I need to be a new creation and a stranger to the world.  I need to be loving and compassionate, giving thanks in all circumstances.  I needed to have joy in my new role.

It is not easy to be a teacher.  It is not easy to be a missionary.  It is not easy to be under a microscope sometimes.  It is not easy to strip all of your assumed morals based on American culture aside, and instead cling to the Gospel.  This role calls for us to be selfless.  The Bible states that not all are meant to be teachers because of harshness that we will be judged. 

One of the hardest adjustments I had to make when I moved to South America, is adjusting to a different viewpoint of cultural morality.  As a single empowered American woman, I was use to going where I wanted, hanging out with whoever I wanted, and doing what I wanted so long as it glorified Christ.  The problem is that I did not stay in the United States, so I needed to not act like I was in the United States.  I need to show respect to the culture that I am and the school that I am representing.   That going out with friends to the bar every weekend and having good time could have consequences on my reputation as a missionary even if I was not drinking alcohol.  That I made the choice to leave my culture and go to a new one, and that I need to be respectful of that.  Suriname is also a very small country, where I run into people that either know my school or me personally all the time.  Think of a small town vibe, but it’s the whole country.  When I first got here, I felt slightly suffocated by the restrictions put on me.  I found during that first year that my desperate need for independence and fun needed to be transformed into reliance and dependence on God.  I can say that while I have been in Suriname I have had blessings that God has blessed me with in the form of local friends and family, a husband, adventures, and a home.  These were all blessings found while I was in Him.

Now, if my family is reading this, they may be saying, well Anne, I think you care a little bit too much about your job and not enough about your health.  And I would agree with them to some extent.  I do need to take more rest because my health has been suffering for the past year and a half.  What is important however, is how I am resting.   Do I find rest by watching mindless TV and doing things that could mar my reputation as a missionary and teacher, or do I find rest in the Lord and my Bible.  I think that rest is not an excuse to not be ambassador for Christ.  In everything that we do, we are to glorify God. 

We have been talking a lot about living in the flesh vs. living in the Spirit in my Bible class.

I don’t want to be a selfish individual masquerading as a missionary.  The Bible clearly states that what is of the flesh is contrary to the Spirit.  During our discussions, this passage keeps on coming up. 

Galatians 5

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Another passage that came up was:

Ephesians 5

1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

I sincerely hope that my time as a missionary is shown by fruit of the Spirit and not fruit of the flesh.  I want to live with the joy and freedom that can only be given from Christ.  It is often when we shift our eyes to worldly things and things that we think we are entitled to and deserve (like my sense of adventure and exploration) that we lose sight of the joy found in Christ.  It is then that we see our current lives as burdens and start to look at pleasing our selfish ambition instead of doing the will of God.  It is my hope that as the school year continues, I will stand up to harsh judgment, walk in the Spirit, and become more selfless.  My agenda is not always God’s plan.  But God’s plan is always good.

Dear Lord,

Let me truly be an ambassador for you.  Let me not get bogged down by things that bring me joy and worldly satisfaction, but be content in your plan.  Lord, I count your blessings and they are numerous.  Let me find joy in obedience to you.  Help me when I find myself struggling, that I may fix my eyes on you again.  Help guide me to be a good educator for the children and a vessel for the Gospel.  Let my days in the classroom be purposeful and my time in Suriname be directly in accordance to your will.  Amen