The Biggest Lie I Ever Believe

“The only one that can truly handle you enough to love you is Jesus.”

I think one of the easiest reasons that I can believe this lie is because it is so similar to the truth.  The truth is that the most love ever experienced is the love of Christ; but it is not the only one I have received in my life.  This lie has been with me for 20 years, coming and going.  Lately, it has been lingering more and more, so I decided to talk about it. 

This lie first took root in adolescence.  As a child, I was very hyperactive.  Loud outbursts were very typical.  One of the side effects of having ADHD, was that my presence was known when I was in a room; first as an entertaining way, but then it developed into Anne being annoying.  My parents insisted on medicating me to help monitor my focus and hyperactivity.  I am not saying that this was the wrong choice for them, but I found myself getting angry at medication.  It seemed to me that my family liked medicated Anne a lot more than nonmedicated Anne.  That Anne was annoying and a nuisance.  As an adult, I understand that my hyperness needed to be pacified, while as a child I can remember feeling that the actual person that I was and how I was created was not appreciated unless I had taken a drug.  That medicine was how my family would like me.  I wouldn’t be liked without it.  (While I know this is not true-remember, I am talking about lies that I have believed).        

This lie spread to my friendships as well.   My amount of energy caused me to be a spark in the friendship that soon faded.  I felt that I was just too much for my friends.  My energy was overpowering and I just needed to calm down.  Sometimes the problems in the friendship occurred when a friend accused me of taking the center spotlight from everyone else.  I made every hangout the “Anne show” and that I was very selfish.  While this was not my genuine intent, self-reflection shows that I did steal attention from other people and I can see how that might hurt them.  I got the belief that to others I was a firework.  Something that you don’t mind looking at once in a while, but if you have to listen to that loud firework noise every day, it might start to get a little old and annoying.  No one wants to see fireworks every day-not really. 

I truly think that one of the reasons why my relationships with friends and family have improved is that I moved out of the country.  One of the lies that I believe that offshoots from the central lie is that I am best loved at a distance.  If I am in your area for too long, the love will fade.  Your flaws outshine the positives.

This lie has been weeding itself into my conscience a lot with my marriage.  It was different with my family.  On some level, due to their blood relation, I felt that they did not make the choice to be with me.  We were related and shared DNA, we had something in common-we were together since birth.  With my husband, he made the choice to be with me, a very different person from him.  He made a promise to love and protect me.  He said he wanted to be with me until death. 

The lie tells me that when we fight, he is regretting his choice.  It tells me, “Anne, you are so difficult to be with that even someone who promised he would be with you, doesn’t want to be with you anymore.   He has grown tired of you, his love has ran out.”

I have been feeling this lie more recently lately.  It comes creeping into my consciousness.  “Anne, you are incapable of being loved by anyone other your Savior.  Eventually, people will grow tired of your strong emotions and energy and want to leave.  God is the only one who can handle you.  You are too much for everyone else.”

Even typing those words make me want to cry. My belief that I am best loved at a distance can’t work in a marriage.  My husband and I are not going to be at a distance with each other.  This means I have to face these lies with this particular relationship, I can’t run.  This has been really painful.  Had it been any other relationship, I think I would have moved away by now, probably to not be a nuisance to the other person, and protect me from being hurt.   

I think what I need to understand is just because a person is temporarily annoyed by me, doesn’t me they don’t love me.   In the past, I put up walls to protect myself from getting hurt and protect others from hurting me.  I believed that others didn’t love me, or if they did, their love would eventually fade.  It’s hard to think of how many relationships have maybe been affected by this.

So I am making a list of those who love me.  These people will combat the lie.  These people are my truth.  These are the people that God has placed in my life.  I am not a nuisance to these people.  I am keeping this list in a special place, so that when this lie enters my head I can pray over it-thanking God for these people, and shunning the lie.

God’s love is great.  It is the greatest thing I have ever experienced and ever will experience.  Because God loves me, he has placed people who love me around me.  Sometimes people will think that I am being annoying, and that is okay and I should respect that.  This fact doesn’t mean that they are not loving me.  The lie is a lie.  I praise the One who is the Truth.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know of Your great love.  This love gave Your Son to mankind that we may one day have eternal life.  What a wondrous and marvelous love!  Lord, help me cling to this truth and this truth alone.  I ask that you be with my thoughts, that all thoughts of this lie are banished from my mind.  Help me with perseverance in pursuing the truth and strength to love in conflict.  Help those around me when I am too much, Lord.  Thank you for every person you have placed in my life.  Thank you for my husband.  I ask that you continually give him patience.  Thank you for the individuals that you have placed in my life.

Amen